IN YER HEED

Creative expression or me, or lack thereof, is like walking down a silent, dark road without hope or sunshine.

That’s how feel like when I’m not expressing myself, like a hawk, circling, checking the environment and gathering my bearings before I bring myself into landing.

They say writing the second book can be the hardest and this myth has stayed with me. Then I remember a simple fact, this isn’t my second book. It’s my fourth.  And as I embraced this realisation, I acknowledged a deeper truth.  Creativity is not wholly 134,000 words.    Creativity can be a word, a sentence, a paragraph, a play or a soundbite.

Creativity is whatever you want it to be and what a glorious freedom it is.

One of my favourite counselling modalities, Gestalt, describes people as being “the sum of all parts” in that we are the culmination of our past, our circumstances, our interactions and our present through our window of the world. 

I look back and although I appreciate my way of thinking, it no longer resonates.  There are no rules.  Creativity isn’t beholden to a finished product.  It’s honoured by the journey you take to get there.

I’ll say that again.

Creativity isn’t beholden to a finished product.  It’s honoured by the journey you take to get there.

Lisa Young

It’s the expression of the moment and from this moment I am going to document my creative self in a way I’ve never done before.

Once again, I feel like the young girl who once picked up a pencil and wrote a story because it was fun. I just had to listen to find her in my own way and in my own time.

See you on the journey.

Lisa x

© Copyright Lisa May Young

I AM LISA

I had two names.

My pseudonym, Cassie Kennedy, was born when I became a writer.  Working for Police Scotland as a Researcher it seemed like a good idea at the time, I didn’t examine the reasons why I needed to embrace another identity.  I only trusted my instincts.

Cassie Kennedy become my champion, the more confident part of myself and I gloried in her presence.  When fear shrunk Lisa, Cassie came to protect her.

The dichotomy is I didn’t acknowledge or accept my need to hide within another identity.  Now in retrospect, I understand why.  Cassie was my protector and like a lioness with her young cub, she kept me safe.  And I’m forever grateful because when I could not see in the dark, she took my hand in hers and led me into the light.

I will be forever grateful to her, my family and my friends for helping me to see Lisa.  Lisa May to be exact named because my Mum, the original lioness, liked the name and May, after my kind-hearted and loving Gran. 

For years, Lisa hid in the dark, scared of moving, scared of making a noise and scared of being hurt because she didn’t understand anything other than fear.

In the last year, I’ve found these twin energies are more alike than I gave them credit for.  It turns out Lisa is independent, determined and spirited and she smiles and laughs regularly. And I have delighted in making her re-acquaintance.

To those who know me as either Lisa or Cassie I’ll still answer to both and I’m thankful for your understanding.  For I am both vulnerable and brave.  

I am me. 

THE YEAR OF SAYING YES

Recently, while out celebrating with friends, I came upon an idea.  It was a night of celebration; a culmination of 10 months of introspection, self-awareness and a feeling of merging into something more than I have been.  My idea manifested as ‘the year of saying yes’ of being open to new experiences, with caveats, I’m allowed to say no to anything making my nostrils flare.  While I say this in jest, genuine curiosity lingers at where this approach may take me.

However, I’ve not always felt this way.  Three years ago, I wrote a blog called ‘open your heart’ and at the time I genuinely believed my heart was open.  It wasn’t.  It was locked in a prison of my own making.

In recent years, I have cancelled plans with friends because I was unsure of the arrangements, I’ve halted relationships because I was scared and I have closed my heart in case it gets broken.  And I’ve done it all because I wanted to stay safe.  And to those I pushed away, for my part, I’m truly sorry.  I didn’t know why then, I do now.

Creativity is the only place I allowed myself to be free and through the world of my imagination I have lived a thousand lives, yet as the ending of any story unfolds, I have discovered within the now, the expectations, the what if’s, the maybes and the outcomes no longer matter.

I’m writing this now because it’s time for me to step out in faith, to believe and trust in myself and others.  Even if it’s dark outside, even if it’s scary and even if it hurts, I’m still going to do it.   I’m going to let myself to be vulnerable and be seen.  I am going to live and love a full, brave and happy life.

That’s the secret.  When you unlock the door, you get yourself, the real you, and it’s such a gift.  I’m so thankful I’m here right now.  And as for the what’s on the other side of the door? I don’t know yet, I’ll see it when I get there.